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[page 27] I Palantir PRESENTS: Hello Frodo! {Image: The Characters from The Rings Trilogy are all either playing musical instruments (the four hobbits) or dancing (all eight other characters). The characters are divided into two rows, the taller beings in the back, and the shorter in front. The identifiable characters in the back row are Gandalf and Boromir, forming a two man cha-cha line, an orc captain, Sauruman, with his arm over the orc's shoulder, Aragorn and an unidentified king (probably Theoden) forming a cha-cha line as a direct reflection of Ganadlf and Boromir's. The front line is bordered by Gimli and Legolas. The hobbits are not drawn in enough detail to determine which is which. The first two are playing guitars, the third a lute, and finally the last a drumset. The drumset has "BBITS" visible on the bass. This reflects the bannar under the drumset which reads the band name "THE HOBBITS.} ~OR~ "What Ever Happened to Sauron's Ring?" The NEW Comedy Pirated From Many By Kathleen Huber [page 28] SCENE 1 Outside the House of Elrond, in Rivendell. Elves, Dwarves, Men and Hobbits are gathered around the door. CHORUS: We are here to see the Nine depart! [l] We are giving them a cheerful start! What a smashing, positively dashing Day to send the Ring south to Mordor! In the House the Fellowship are eager to be off, Rather less than more. What a ripping, absolutely jipping Day to send the Ring south to Mordor! Pulses rushing, faces flushing, Heartbeats speed up, I have never been so keyed up! Any second now Packing will be done! Hark their voices speak! The door is creaking open! Look! It has begun! (ELROND enters, with the nine members of the Fellowship behind him. He stands on the top step and addresses the populace.) ELROND: Now, I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here today... DWARF: Not bloody likely! ELROND: Er... I suppose not...Well, unaccustomed as I am to Free Speech, I must now make a brief... HOBBIT: Hear! Hear! ELROND: ...announcement pertaining to Operation Elbereth which, as you all know, is the Top Secret Plot to destroy the One Ring of Power and thus put it forever out of the reach of Sauron, the Dark Lord. Nine lucky representatives of the Free People of Middle Earth have been selected, and are about to depart on a perilous, dread, and, I may say, technically impossible mission, for which we all wish them the best of luck and hearty congratulations! CHORUS: 0 Joy Unbounded! ELROND: (sings): When you have a Ring and you are fading away, [2] You can take it to: Mordor! when powerful evil starts to get in your way, You can run off to: Mordor! Mordor: where the swamps and desolation will confound you! Mordor: where Old Sauron's wicked forces will surround you! And Orodruin...Fiery Doom is just waiting right there, Where you'll destroy all our troubles, destroy all our cares Down in Mordor: Land where the spiders dwell... Mordor: Nazgul and Orcs as well... Mordor: Fiery Eye of Hell's there! [page 29] FELLOWSHIP (Sings, with gusto not unlike a football team after a successful [3] half-time pep-talk): We're leaving Rivendell, our friend, If it makes you feel all right! We're going straight to Hell, our friend, If it makes you feel all right! 'Cause we don't care too much for Sauron! Sauron just wants the Ring. He wants more elbow room, our friend, And the Hobbits bug him so! We're going to Mount Doom, our friend, Where the bubbling craters glow. 'Cause we don't care too much for Sauron! Sauron just wants the Ring! FRODO: Just wants my Ring! Everybody tells me so! Just wants my Ring! Ho, ho, ho, ho! HOBBITS: He'll hafta stick to diamond Rings, And just be satisfied! 'Cause Frodo's got the kind of Ring That money just can't buy! FELLOWSHIP: And we don't care too much for Sauron! Sauron just wants the Ring! HOBBITS: Woo-woo-woo! CHORUS: Bravo! Delight beyond description! O, Ginger peachy! etc. ELROND: Now then...as it is absolutely necessary that the Fellowship depart immadiately, if not sooner, I shall take this opportunity to permit them to introduce themselves,and to say as my last words of encouragement: Good afternoon, good luck, and sorry. I wish you good fortune, You'll need it. (The Fellowship lines up, and each member steps forward, sings his verse, and then shakes hands with the others along the line during the chorus, thus ending up at the opposite end of the line, so that the next member can step forward.) BOROMIR: Picture if you can [4] A handsome, proud young man With an ear-splitting horn and a great physique: A perfect Dunadan. Who's going off to war Against the rat-fink in Mordor, Whose blade is bright, 'cause Ores at night Mean lots of fun in store! ALL: That's Boromir! That's Boromir! Beyond a doubt that's Boromir! To see that Minas Tirith's free.... Boromir or Gondor: [page 30] BOROMIR: That's me! LEGOLAS: Picture for yourself A virile, well-built Elf With a mean bow and arrow and long blond hair Who can take care of himself. Who comes from Mirkwood dark, Which ain't no city park; Who don't need a sweater, and sings much better Than any stupid lark! All@:@ That's Greenleaf! That's Greenleaf! Beyond a doubt that's Greenleaf! Who'd sooner Lembas than jam and tea... Legolas: That's me! Gimli: Picture now for real, A Dwarf with an axe of steel; Who's fierce in a fight, and downs each night A monstrous evening meal. Who thinks of Durin' s Day In a sentimental way. Who means to roar down to Mordor And make those Goblins pay! All: That's Gimli! That's Gimli! Beyond a doubt that's Gimli! A stiff-necked Dwarf whose beard flows free... Gloin's son Gimli! Gimli: That's me! Aragorn: Picture if you can A gaunt but kingly Man. A sharp-eyed Numenorean Brought up with Elrond's clan; Whose blade is split in two, Whose wedding's overdue, Who's gotta make good as a good king should, Before his dream comes true! That's Strider! That's Strider! Beyond a doubt that's Strider! A Ranger now, but a king to be... Aragorn Strider: Strider: That's me! Merry: Picture now and see A brandybuck @Brandybuck@ like me, Who'll stick by a friend to the bitter end, Though I wish I were back in Bree! Who loved to drink and dine, And swim the Brandywine, But finds the world has far unfurled Past Far Downs county line. [page 31] All: That's Merry! That's Merry! Neyond @Beyond@ a doubt that's Merry! Who'll go though he'd rather be safe in Bree... Master Merry: Merry: That's me! Pippin: Come and take a look At a bright, inquisitive Took; As fierce as a dragon and brave as Hell, Ana d @And a@ half-way decent cook. Who marches at the rear Though he never knew no fear, And wouldn't dream at sneaking a peak At a private Palantir! All: That's Pippin! That's Pippin! Beyond a doubt that's Pippin! Who stands as tall as Strider's knee... Undersized Pippin: Pippin: That's me! Sam: Picture just for fun A humble gardener's son. Pruning trees for years with a pair of shears Is the bravest thing I've done. Though Rosie I adore, I owe my master more. I don't look so hot, but I'm quite a shot With a deadly apple core! All: That's Samwise! That's Samwise! Beyond a doubt that's Samwise! Showing new talents constantly... Samwise Gamgee: Sam: That's me. Gandalf: Picture if you can A crotchety, cracked old man, With a mean kind of staff and an Elf-wrought sword, Who was here before time began. Quick-witted day and night, A demon in a fight, Who means to oust Old Saruman And change his grey for White! All: That's Gandalf! That's Gandalf! Beyond a doubt that's Gandalf! A dangerous type, as you can see... Mithrandir Gandalf: Gandalf: That's me! Frodo: If you've some time to spare, I'm Bilbo Baggins' heir. The bloody Ring is mine and now I carry it everywhere. [page 32] They say the only cure Lies close to Barad-Dur. If you think I'm lucky, just mark my words: This ain't no pleasure tour! All: That's Frodo! That's Frodo! Beyond a doubt that's Frodo! To Lands of Shadows he must flee... Frodo Baggins: Frodo: That's me! Fellowship: And we! Gimli: We three? Gandalf: We nine! Pippin: That's fine! Merry: And how! Boromir: And now? Gandalf: And...now? Legolas: Yes, now! Gandalf: Why, now...We [5] Follow the Road to the South! Follow the Road to the South! All: Follow, follow, follow, follow, Follow the Road to the South! Follow the Road to the... Follow the Road to the... Follow the Road to the South! Gandalf: We're off! Pippin: We' re off! Aragorn: We're off! Frodo: We're off! All: WE'RE OFF! (Skipping down the road arm-in-arm) We' re off to the Land of Mordor! And off to old Mordor we go! With Strider's sword and Gimli's axe, And Legolas with his bow! Old Sauron has broken enough of the laws! We're going to burn his Ring because... Because, because, because, because, because...... Because of the nasty things it does! [6] So Land of Shadow, here we come! Where this damned Ring started from! Where sun never shines, and it's dark every day, [page 33] Each morning, at dawning, Orcs are gay and laugh and play! Galadriel said, "Don't be late!" That's why we can hardly wait! Open up that Big Black Gate! Land of Shadow, here we come! (Curtain, Scene 1) SCENE 2 The mines of Moria. The Fellowship is walking slowly, dismally lost. The Hobbits are strumming their electric guitars; and finally raise their voices in song.) HOBBITS: It's been a long, dark night, [7] And we're a-going to Mordor! It's been a long, dark night, And lots of trouble is in store! But when the Ring's in the Fire, We're going back to the Shire, And then we'll feel all right! 'Twill be a drawn-out fight When we get to Orodruin. Orthanc will look a sight, And Barad-Dur will be a ruin. But when the Ring's in the Fire, And we've returned to the Shire, You know we'll feel all right! FRODO: When Sauron wanted the Ring for his might, Then Sauron made it eternally night...Night! HOBBITS: It's been a long, dark night, Since the start of Sauron's war. But it will soon be light, With the downfall of Mordor. And when the Ring's in the Fire, We're going back to the Shire, And then we'll feel all right. GANDALF (after a pause): Ringo! --I mean Frodo! FROOO: Yes? GANDALF: Guess what? FRODO: What? GANDALF: We're lost. FRODO: Oh. What makes you think so? GANDALF: Partly the fact that I haven't the foggiest idea where we are. LEGOLAS (Breaking down): I'll tell you where we are! We're in Hell, that's where we are! For the love of Elbereth, I'm an Elf! You [page 34] know? An Elf? A sea-, sky-and sun-loving Elf? I never wanted to travel through this Black Pit! Oh, I do it! It revolts me, but I do it! GIMLI: Black Pit, is it? You're a fine one to talk, you tree-hopping kangaroo! The mines of Moria! The halls of Durin! The noblest creation of Middle Earth! And just because it's fallen into disrepair, it's a Black Pit! LEGOLAS: Disrepair! I can't see my hand in front of my face! GIMLI: Ah well, sharp are the eyes of Elves, they say. LEGOLAS: Look, you sawed-off golddigger, I've taken just about all from you I'm going to! GANDALF: Now boys! Boys! ARAGORN: Well, if we have to go back and take the other path, we may as well rest here for a while! You two inseparables are perfectly welcome to kill each other, but not till we're off duty! LEGOLAS (Turning away): To hell with you, Gimli! GIMLI (Turning away): To hell with you too, Legolas! GANDALF: Never have I seen a more touching reconciliation! (They sit around a fire, shivering and miserable. Slowly they begin to sing.) PIPPIN: The most hopeless predicament we've been in so far! FELL VOICES: Moria! Moria! Moria! Moria! MERRY: How I wish I were sipping a pint at Harry's Bar! FELL VOICES: Moria! Moria! Moria! Moria! Moria! Moria! ALL: Moria! We're lost in the mines of Moria! [8] And suddenly we've found what living underground Can mean! Moria! We'll never get out of Moria! We've tried to travel fast, but empty is our last Canteen! Moria! Long ago it was bright and charming! Now in darkness, it's downright alarming! Moria! We wish we were out of Moria! BOROMIR (Aside): Is this my opportunity? They're half asleep. Shall I grab Frodo and run for it? I'm hooked now. I'll never be at rest until the Ring is mine! Why, with a Ring like that, I could -- Dare I say it? -- Rule the World! [page 35] (Suddenly, in the distance, ugly voices are heard singing a hideous song. BOROMIR is distracted.) ORCS: Fie on Goodness! Fie! Fie on Goodness! Fie! [9] Eight hundred years we've lived in darkness, Waiting for Sauron's Ring to reappear! Eight hundred years in bloody darkness! Give a loud cheer! Hobbits are here! O, Fie on Goodness, Fie! Fie! Fie! Fie! LEGOLAS: Yrch! PIPPIN: What? LEGOLAS: Yrch! Yrch! GANDALF: You have to shout at him. He doesn't speak a word of Quenya. (Screaming): Orcs! Orcs, you Tom-fool of a Took! We're doomed! All is lost! ALL: O Horror! (All run off the stage and up the aisles of the theatre with Orcs after them. All but the Hobbits, that is, for they are cut off. They run back upstage and climb the high rocky precipice. Just as they reach the top, an army of Orcs appears there, threatening them with spears. Hanging on the edge of the cliff, they pull out their mouth organs and bongos and begin to sing.) HOBBITS: Help! We need somebody! [10] Help! We mean anybody! Help! You know we need someone! Help! PIPPIN: When I was younger, living back there in the Shire, I said I needed nobody's help. I was a liar! MERRY: For now those days are gone, I'm not so confident! Now I find I've changed my mind, And what I really meant Was: HOBBITS: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down! And I'd sure appreciate your coming 'round! Help me get my feet back on the ground! Won't you please, please help me. (No help arrives. The HOBBITS are seized and taken off by the Orcs.) (Curtain, Scene 2) [page 36] SCENE 3 The Dark Tower. SAURON sits on a great black throne, surrounded by the nine NAZGUL. They are playing saxophones, and SAURON is singing. SAURON: Whatever SAURON wants, Sauron gets, [11] And Ring of Power, Evil Sauron wants you! Whatever Sauron wants, Sauron gets. Without that Ring, Evil Sauron feels blue. I never knew its loss would so affect my liver, Until Isildur went and lost it in the river! Give in! It's mine! Give in! (An ORC rushes in.) ORC: Hail, O Dark Lord! SAURON: Really? I thought it was goung @going@ to be fine, myself. ORC: Hear! Hear! SAURON: Hear what? ORC: Hear what I have to say! SAURON: Well, what is it? Speak up! ORC: Great news! The Fellowship of the Ring has been captured, and all Nine are even now on their way to this very spot! NAZGUL: O, Joy Unbounded! SAURON: Modified ecstasy. But have they the Ring? ORC: Yes! He they call Fredo, or Ringo, or something like that, wears it about his person! SAURON: Cheers, dears! Victory is at hand! NAZGUL: O Rapture Unrestrained! SAURON: Strike up the band! (He bursts into song) [12] Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into my clutches! For the Hand of Sauron conquers everything it touches! When I'm through with you, you'll have to hobble home on crutches! Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into my clutches! NAZGUL: Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-fiddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-fiddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! SAURON: When I was just a tiny lad, I made a little Ring, And how was I to know the kind of Power it would bring? I lost it in a battle, and I've never been the same, But now I know who done me wrong, and Frodo is his name! Hay! [page 37] ALL: Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into our clutches! For the Hand of Sauron conquers everything it touches! When we're through with you, you'll have to hobble home on crutches! Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into our clutches! NAZGUL: Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! SAURON: Young Deagol he found it, but he didn't keep it long, And Gollum lost it when he answered Bilbo's riddle wrong. Old Bilbo's now retired, and he gave the Ring away, But Frodo's come to Mordor, so he'll be the one to pay! ALL: Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into our clutches! For the Hand of Sauron conquers everything it touches! When we're through with you, you'll have to hobble home on crutches! Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into our clutches! NAZGUL: Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! Um diddle-iddle-iddle! Um diddle-i! SAURON: Of course, you _can_ say it backwards, which is: "Clutches into my you'll fall, Ship-fellow special-super," But that's going a bit far, don't you think? ORC: Indubitably. SAURON: So now the Ring is coming home, at least it's on its way. My Precious will be mine again, and really here to stay! I'll fry those stupid Hobbits, and the other so-and-sos, And sing a merry little song, and this is how it goes! Hey! ALL: Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into our clutches! For the Hand of Sauron conquers everything it touches! When we're through with you, you'll have to hobble home on crutches! Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into our clutches! (The Fellowship is ushered into the room) SAURON: Now! You cannot escape. The ancient prophecies of the Dark Wizards are about to come to pass. I demand of you the One Ring of Power! BOROMIR: Not from me you don't! LEGOLAS: Nuts to you! GIMLI: We'll never tell! [page 38] ARAGORN: You just think you're happy! GANDALF: You're not so hot! SAM: Nothing can break us! MERRY: Do your worst! PIPPIN: You won't get a word, much less a Ring! FRODO: Our lips are sealed! (Silence) SAURON (a la Tommy Smothers): Oh, yeah! FELLOWSHIP: Yeah! SAURON: Don't be cheeky. We have ways of making you talk. You Hobbits aren't so hot yourselves. Nuts to you, Frodo Baggins! (He snaps his fingers in Frodo's face) FRODO: Ow! Oh-oooo! Here! Here it is! It's all yours! Oh-ooooooo! Give it to him, Merry! Ooooooo! MERRY: Here. SAURON: Thank you. FRODO: I never could stand pain. SAURON (laughing wildly): The Hour of Darkness has come! The Age-Old prophecies are to be fulfilled in exactly thirty seconds' time, according to the Very Ancient Pyramidic Scrolls and me Bulova watch. It was written that this very night at exactly eleven- fifteen, the Dark Lord would place the One Ring of Power on his finger, and death should come to all Dwarves, Elves, Men, and Hobbits. The whole mangy pack of you! That moment is come! Death to you all! ALL: Now is the End! Perish the World! (He places the Ring on his finger. There is a Deathly Silence. Nothing happens. Slowly, SAURON turns to the ORC) SAURON: It _was_ Rocky Mountain Time, wasn't it? ORC: Yes. (SAURON takes off the Ring and looks at it unhappily) SAURON: You are a dud? (Silence. He puts the Ring in his pocket and walks slowly out, with his followers) Never mind, lads. Same time next Millenium. We must get a winner one day. (A pause) [page 39] FRODO: He's gone! PIPPIN: We're free! MERRY: The Darkness is over! SAM: Sauron is defeated! BOROMIR: The Ring is a fake! GANDALF: I knew it all along! ARAGORN: I am now King of Westernesse and Gondor! GIMLI: Legolas, Old Pal! LEGOLAS: Gimli, my favorite Dwarf! GANDALF: You see? In the light we're not all so different! PIPPIN (Aside): Author's message. GANDALF: We're weird. But we're all human. So what the hell, let's stick together! (He sings) [13] An Elf may seem incompetent, A Dwarf may not make sense, While Hobbits look like quite a waste Of Fellowship expense. They need a Fellow's leadership, So please don't do them in, For standing three feet tall, my friend, Is not a mortal sin! ALL: They're in the Fellowship of Rings! The Benevolent Fellowship of Rings! The noble tie that binds All fearless hearts and minds Into one Fellowship of Rings! Your life-long membership is free! Just think what happiness it brings! Oh, aren't you proud to be In that fraternity, The great big Fellowship of Rings!? SAM: O, that noble feeling! Feels like bells are pealing! Down with double-dealing Old Sauron! GIMLI: You, you got me! LEGOLAS: Me, I got you! [page 40] ALL: We're in the Fellowship of Rings! (All join hands and sing) [14] We play it the Middle Earth way! All Middle Earth policy by us is O.K. Whatever Galadriel tells us, that we'll do! Whatever Old Gandalf thinks, we think so too! Sun's shining, and roses are red! For Sauron, that over-ambitious rat has fled! A Hobbit may nevermore shed a mournful tear! Whoever goes to the Grey Havens, We will still be here! GANDALF: Hit it! HOBBITS: It's been a long, dark night, [7] We've been through trouble in Mordor! It's been a long, dark night, And death and danger were in store! But now that Sauron's a liar, We're going back to the Shire, And then we'll fell @feel@ all right! ALL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! WE'RE GONNA FEEL ALL RIGHT! (Final Curtain) Songs are to the following tunes: 1..."Ascot Gavotte," from "My Fair Lady" 2..."Downtown" 3..."Money Can't Buy Me Love," from "Hard Day's Night" 4..."The Pickwickians," from "Pickwick" 5..."Follow the Yellow Brick Road," from "Wizard of Oz." 6..."California, Here I Come" 7..."Hard Day's Night" 8..."Maria," from "West Side Story" 9..."Fie On Goodness," from "Camelot." 10..."Help!" 11..."Whatever Lola Wants," from "Damn Yankees." 12..."Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," from "Mary Poppins." 13..."The Brotherhood of Man," from "How to Succeed in Business..." 14..."The Company Way," from "How to Succeed in Business..." With apologies to practically everybody. Among them: C.G. Lindelef T.H. White The Wizard of Oz Alan Jay Lerner Hogan's Heroes The Beatles Mario Savio Frank Loesser Stephen Sondheim Sir Arthur Sullivan Petula Clark Peter Cook Samuel Pickwick George Bernard Shaw Dudley Moore Al Jolson (?) Leonard Wibberly Mary Poppins Leonard Bernstein Frederick Loewe Tom & Dick Smothers Jonathan Miller Sir W.S. Gilbert Master William Glass Alan Bennet James Thurber ................... [page 41] Cast of Characters In Order of Their Appearance: Cary Grant as ELROND Victor Spinetti as BOROMIR Eddie Fisher as LEGOLAS Richard Burton as GIMLI Robert Goulet as ARAGORN Paul McCartney as MERRY John Lennon as PIPPIN George Harrison as SAM Boris Karloff as GANDALF and Ringo Starr as FROOO With, on the side of Darkness.... Dick Smothers as THE ORC Tom Smothers as SAURON and The Rolling Stones and The Animals as THE NINE NAZGUL